Drinking to Cope?

I was in this party last Friday Night. Although, it is more of a drinking session rather than a real party, I guess you can still call i a party because we had something to celebrate. It was a friend-of-mine's birthday. Timo! Kung binabasa mo man 'tong post na 'to, Happy Birthday ulit!! Yes, it was Timothy Santos aka Boy Gulat's birthday.

So how is it realted to coping up? I just noticed that I have been drinking a lot lately. I am going out almost every night even if there is classes the next day. I am going home late for days now, and I mean really really late. Last last week, I went home four in the morning coming from a Birthday Party (drinking session) and had to attend PE CLass the next same day.

I was just wondering if my drinking and my going home late are my coping mechanisms. Because if so, I think they are doing me well. I was in a really really bad condition for three weeks after my girlfriend broke up with me. And now, well I can say that I am now fine; although I am not at my 100%, I guess I can say I am at about 89% my happy state. Maybe my mind, body, and heart just got used to be being with someone constantly.

Once, I have said to my self that I will never ever get drunk in my whole life. I guess, I was too idealistic those days. Last friday night, I saw myself throwing up my guts out in the restaurant's restroom. I was surprised because I am not used to getting drunk that easily. Now, I have to remember that I have to control my drinking.

Many of my friends think that I still haven't moved on. They are calling me rebelde and martyr. But I know and I am certainly super sure that I already moved on. So I ask myself, why am I drinking? Social reasons? Yes, I guess it is for social reasons.

I am now at my friendliest. About two weeks ago, I just decided that I want to be friends with as many people as possible. I am going out every night with different groups of people, some old friends, some classmates, and some new friends. I have no enemies today. And it makes me feel good, as if I have no any bother or problem.

It is also easier to talk with anybody now. Last Friday, I don't know if I was just drunk but I saw myself talking to a girl classmate who I really never talked to before. And I was surprised to be talking about my ex… the last topic I want to about, especially to someone I don't personally know. Was it because of alcohol? I don't know. But one thing is for sure, I am single again and as Diego would say it, "ready to mingle". I am free. I can talk to anyone with no any guilt feelings.

Now, I am back to being happy-go-lucky, not thinking too much and not trying to do everything. I now just living life again… just like before. No so much thoughts, no so much pains. More fun and guess what, it is easy to sleep again.

Alcohol did me well when I was depressed. It numbed my bleeding heart. But now that the bleeding has already stoped, I guess I have to say goodbye to alcohol now. Or maybe I just have to limit my drinking. So I am saying to myself again… "I will never be drunk… again."

I am just feeling guilty. When I got home last Friday, and it was about 1:00, my mother asked me to call home. So, I did. "Ambata bata mo pa! Kawawa ang liver mo! Bakit mo ba ginagawa yan?" And I heard her sermons again, which I actually missed. So, for the sake of my mother and for also for myself, I will limit my drinking… one bottle per session. Hehe.

At least, I still don't smoke. Although in one of my barkadas everyone is smoking, they can never influence me. And I have a friend who has some family problems, and he started to smoke. One time, he went with us in going home and I was surprised when he bought a stick when we got out of the school gate. I was surprised because I know that he does not smoke. He said, it was just his fourth. And I think I know what his reason is. But I told him to stop. I know I was not in the position to stop him but I would feel guilty if I did nothing. What is my right to call him rebelde and martyr? Well I guess he had stoped now and I am proud to say that it was because of me. I still can't see the good side of smoking. Social reasons? Maybe. Some even say that cigarettes is a good friend. Well, I think I would rather have people friends than cigarette.

And just to clear things up, I am doing well in school even if I go home very late at night. I still read my lessons and do my assignments. And I am actually surprized because I am having high scores in quizes and exams.Luck? Haha. I guess it is luck… because I now that I am happy. Happy-go-lucky? Non-sense. Haha.

I came to know that we have different ways on coping. My way of coping has been effective for me. But know that I have already coped up, I guess it is time for me to be back to normal.

I am just proud that I did not try to hurt myself when I was depressed. Hindi pa rin ako suicidal. May moral pa ring natitira sa akin.